Life lately

Trying to write a piece on my life at the moment feels somewhat impossible. I’ve been contemplating writing a blog for a while, wondering how I could ever even start.

I always strive to be as honest as possible and so in doing that, I want to share it all – the good and the bad, as I feel this is the only true way to encompass the full human experience. So here it goes, I want to share the not so good, in an attempt to normalize this all – for everyone has their battles, some are just better at hiding it.

I’ve written a lot about my experience in South Korea – but little about my experiences after.

To start from the beginning (far in the beginning) I had the most beautiful childhood. In every way I could imagine. Regardless of my upbringing, I’ve always felt I struggled mildly with anxiety and certain types of OCD – which is tough when you feel like it isn’t really ‘valid’ based on your childhood – but I have learnt to be kinder with myself when it comes to that, as we all should be.

Anyways, growing up I felt the anxiety/OCD more so fueled me than hindered me, as it forced me to keep order/control in my life in many ways. Although, as you get older, you start to realize that life is largely uncontrollable, uncertain and imperfect. So, you start to become unable to keep that same sense of order/control you were previously able to achieve. Everything then just gets out of hand, messy, confusing, overwhelming and pretty damn scary.

When moving to South Korea, I never considered how much it would impact my mental health. I mean look, there are so many ways in which the experience shaped me. I learnt so much about myself and I will never fail to express gratitude for the endless amounts of opportunities for growth it provided. In saying that, highlighting only the positive is never something I like to do, so I have, and will always be open about the downfalls. In which my mental health was one. I guess it was a slow process, but one of those ‘slowly and then all at once’ kind of things. It all only really dawned on me when I had three weeks to go, unable to eat, sleep and just… function. The anxiety had gotten loud, too loud.

Of course I had other factors at play here besides the isolation, language barrier in South Korea and general existential crisis vibes – that being, my long distance relationship. In which everything was new to me – my first boyfriend, my first time experiencing feelings as deeply as I did, the distance etc. No relationship is perfect, and we were no exception. We never stopped trying though – and I’ll always appreciate the things we did for love. But when you feel bombarded at all angles – you become debilitated. My life felt exhausting. My mind felt full. And once I returned home to South Africa, I felt like I had shifted to a state of, “I have things all figured out” to, pardon my French, “What the f*ck am I actually doing?”.

It’s almost like I opened a box of new worries, fears and ‘what if’s that I wish I had never found. And in an attempt to have answers to every question my mind could stir up – I reached a new personal low. Not only was I lost in life, but I felt lost in my relationship, with not only my partner, but myself. To cut a real long story short, on 9th November 2022, I had to start walking this journey on my own and I decided to call things off.

The next few months were a mixed bag of sadness, confusion, therapy, medication, sleepless nights – you name it. Even knowing deep down I had done what was best for me, there’s something about hitting rock bottom that is rather unsettling, isn’t it?

I’ve been on a journey ever since, to almost reinvent my life. Find purpose I suppose. To heal parts of myself I never even realized needed healing. When I was suffering with the worst anxiety had to offer me, all I wanted was to be able to ground myself and have a reason to keep going because for a long time, I didn’t. Where had I gone so wrong?

In a session with my therapist, she looked at me and asked, “What makes you happy?”, in which, after a few moments, I confidently replied, “I love making people feel special, I love helping people”. She stopped me. “I’ll rephrase the question”, she said, “What makes you happy that doesn’t include other people?”.

I was stumped. I had absolutely nothing to say. Not only was I unable to be happy as an individual, but upon further probing, I realized that I never believed happiness to be right here. It always seemed to be in the ‘next’ – the next stage, the next job, the next person, the next adventure – always ahead of me, never right now.

I felt rather sad after that, really defeated. No wonder my anxiety was so bad, I had no source of joy, nothing to pull me out of that spiral, a deeper cause, a deeper purpose, a deeper understanding of life and how happiness actually works.

I guess growing up, I had always pictured how I wanted my life to be; get the degree, get the job, get the house, get married, have kids – that’s it. The anxious side of me that craved order had these thoughts in auto-drive. I guess I forgot how to, how can I say it, actually live. And I never stopped to check in with myself to see if it is actually making me happy, or if the thought that it would make me happy made me happy. You know? Existential crisis stuff.

I’ve always heard/read about “being present”, “enjoy the moment” – how do you even do that? “What nonsense” – I always thought.

I’ve finally realized that my inability to be present will be the reason for my forever present anxiety if I don’t do something about it. My attempt to control and maintain order has taken away the surprise of life, the opportunity for the unexpected, the openness to allow life to take me to places I could never predict.

This year I have one clear and concise goal, that’s it. Just one. Everything else is just a bonus.

My goal is to, in everything I do, be present. Soak it all in. Find joy in the smallest crevices of life. To some, this may come naturally, but for others, this is the key to life. For me, it’s the key to life. For no matter what life throws at you, you can find strength, joy and peace in the moment, right here, right now.

A hike up the mountain – look at the trees, the sun against the rocks. Maybe you go for a swim – feel the water on your skin, the smell of the air. A smile from a stranger. A morning coffee.

Imagine all of that just being enough? No matter what life throws at you – as it tends to do in the wake of it’s unpredictable path. Imagine all of that just calming you, centering you, reminding you that there is beauty in the chaos if we just care to look for it. Imagine all of that is your happiness in life? Not the degree, the job, the marriage, the kids. Imagine.

My life has changed drastically in the last few months. Without this change, I wouldn’t be on the path I am today. The path towards the woman I have always wanted to become. She is kind – understanding that every person experiences battles that they don’t speak about. She is strong – she doesn’t need anyone because she has herself, but, she loves her friends and family more than she can express. She understands that she needs to release control to allow the magic of life to flood over her. She understands that nothing is perfect and so she no longer strives for that, she rather strives for purpose, health, love and gratitude. She knows happiness is here, right now, in everything – big and small. And most importantly, she is fearless. Knowing that no matter what comes her way, she can handle it.

She knows she will be okay.